Collect them all: The Ultimate Guide To The Faux Left

Default lefty: Everyone, say, under 35. Can you blame them? Of course you can. A generation of ‘uber-talented’, pampered, spoilt, whining victims – who’ve had it really really tough. Indoctrinated with (the right wing – as they bizarrely see it) BBC, YouTube, liking on Facebook, Michael Moore, third wave feminism and 15 years of New Labour. They don’t read and don’t need to – they know what they think. News comes from the Internet and social media, and if they can concentrate for long enough: the BBC website.

Upper middle class / Upper class lefty – Born into ‘privilege’ as they see it – usually have parents that work in ‘the arts’; they resent their upbringing, the big family house and probably their entire existence thus far. This ‘guilt’ usually manifests itself in social justice causes in places with black people (or Mid East depending on how sexually frustrated they are, see Feminists lefty below). Fixated with aid and international development, they’ve spent a few years in Africa (sometimes even up to half a decade, depending on how severe their neurosis) patronising the primitive indigenous (or as they say: ‘giving back’) – which works wonders in ridding them of their ‘class guilt’ and making them feel virtuous. They love to project all this stuff on everyone, whether you want to hear about it or not. Definitely the most infuriating of the lefties, as they always have this pained smug patronising grimace plastered on their fat faces. Likely to work for some international development corporation or lobby group in the future and paid a six-figure salary – which conveniently allows them to continue their privileged life-style they so deplore – whilst ‘giving back’. Awful cretins.

The Euro-fanaticsA strange bunch indeed. Nobody knows why they’re like this; they just are and probably best not to dwell on it. While Europhilia is a common symptom of the faux-left, these take it a step too far – any slight criticism of the socialist super state and you’re evil and should be exiled. Can usually be found singing renditions of shitty pop songs with a pro-EU twist at the weekend.

Easy virtue lefty – The most common variety and can be found practically anywhere and at anytime. This lot love ‘virtue signalling’: ‘It’s great those Africans are coming here, racist’; ‘Islam IS the religion of peace and you’re racist’; ‘immigration is great and you’re racist’; ‘the minimum wage should be £10 an hour and that’s racist’; ‘ban the banks and The Daily Mail is a racist’. ‘Controversial’ documentaries about the nasty Americans are the fount of all knowledge. They’re so anti-establishment and clever, love victims and see them everywhere; they love telling everyone how racist the EDL and UKIP is (it makes them feel virtuous and clever). They’re probably racists.

Hippy / Greeny lefty – Having a decent taste in music, they’re usually cool to hang out with (unless of course you mix with Upper middle class/Upper class lefty – then it’s a nightmare). However, don’t be fooled, they could be the most dangerous. They love dipping pita in hummus, can cook around 200 unusual lentil dishes, wear the same five items of clothing, and are always banging on about ‘sustainability’. Nauseatingly middle-class through and through (of course), they contain elements of all of the above to a lesser or greater extent. They like to think they’re above everyone – they’re in touch with nature, remember – and above the common world of politics. Unbeknownst to them, they’re actually faux-left like the rest. Vote Green, obviously.

Backpacking lefty – They’ve left (geddit?) to ‘find themselves’ in some dump with a poor literacy rate, abyssal GDP, terrible Human Rights abuses and shit-poor attitudes toward women (see Default left/Easy virtue left/feminist lefty), which ironically, they now have no issue with – because it’s their culture and so on. Like Lemmings they mindlessly follow each other everywhere – every dump they visit is amazing and the people they meet and patronise are welcoming and just fascinating (even if they’re being totally ripped off – which they are, all the time, because they’re stupid). Forever criticising the country that spawned them – they nevertheless reap all its benefits. Unfortunately, unlike Lemmings they won’t jump off a cliff and perish.

Pseudo intellectual lefty – Contain elements of all of the above and below. Think of Russell Brand – if you dare. They’ve read a few Very Short Introduction philosophy books, and are so like in touch with something they can’t grasp, and it’s all part of the capitalistic pendulum of consumerist society. Coming from ‘bohemian’ parents, they never went to university; were probably home schooled – and thus outside the capitalist system as they see it. Love using words with post-, such as: post-irony, post-modern, and post-knobhead etc.

Feminist lefty – (Never alone, usually combined with one or more of the above). Can’t get a boyfriend? Career not going as well as you hoped? Didn’t get that interview? Crap at physics? Daddy left with the secretary? Hate Mummy? – Blame All Men. Like all leftists they loathe traditional concepts of masculinity (hence the fictional Transgender civil rights movement) and are intent on its destruction. Again, it’s the capitalistic patriarchy something or other that did it. Like backpacking lefty they’ve no beef with attitudes toward women in other cultures. May have a fetish for Asian or Arab men (for more info read my article on the hypocrisy of modern feminists – it’s brilliant).

Conservative lefty – David Cameron, Hugo Rifkind, Matthew Parry and other columnists who write in The Times newspaper. Greeny, Metropolitan and yet pro capitalism (basically New Labour). This lot have been infiltrating the Conservative party since John Major got kicked out.

Student lefty – Perhaps the most frightening of the bunch. Zombiesque and like something out of a twisted dystopia, these cultural Marxists roam our so-called ‘educational institutions’ (Oxford or Thames Valley, it’s all the same); they deplore the very concept of free speech and open debate, stifling it whenever they see it; ‘safe zones’ are created where ‘victims’ can’t be challenged intellectually, and anybody who deviates from the party line will be outcast. Books likely to cause ‘offence’ are tagged with ‘trigger warnings’. Could be reading philosophy or gender studies, it’s irrelevant. Think of Nazi Germany and you’re half way there. Will be running the country someday.

The real left – Bullied and resented by all of the above into submission. These old -school lefties can usually be found in working class areas of northern England. They are ignored and patronised by all the major political parties.

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