Fruitcakes are densely packed slabs of cake filled with nuts, candied fruit, and soaked in liquor. I’m not a big fan to be honest – they sit a little too heavy on the stomach, a little too rich, even when washed down with a bucket load of sweet tea and smothered in lashings of butter – which just seems to make the whole experience worse. That’s perhaps why we only eat the damn stuff at Christmas – like turkey – we feel we have to.
I’m not of course referring to the kind of fruitcakes you scoff at weddings and Christmas or at the house of a deranged elderly aunt, but rather the political variety. Chiefly, these fruitcakes and loonies, as Dave calls them (or at least used to until they started to take away his votes, ha ha) believe basically that Britain should be a self-governing nation outside of the ‘People’s Republic of Europe’ and free to control it’s own borders, and that we should restrict immigration and introduce an Australian style points system – that’s basically what got them the ‘fruitcake’ tag.
What utter contemptuous racists, vicious language, dividing communities for even venturing to suggest that Britain should govern itself and limit the numbers of migrants that enter it’s shores! Stop and think about it. It’s not much is it? What they’re asking, it’s a pretty reasonable thing to want. It’s not as if they’re demanding we call the place Albion, force everyone to conjugate the verb to be in Anglo Saxon, and build an iron curtain from Margate to Stornoway, whilst belting out Elgar and dressing all the minorities up as Morris dancers – three lashings of the best.
Dave has been calling for the fruitcakes to come home recently, without really offering them anything – not even a little bribe. No, Dave like Nicola and Ed, like that scruffy Aussie troll, and the harmless lovely Welsh lady, all believe in the socialist EU super state, multiculture and mass immigration. And do you know what? Just between us I sometimes wonder whether Dave believes in anything at all – whether he has any political ideology, or even if he wants to be Prime Minister – but that’s just me. Of course, Dave and his crew are really hoping that the threat of a coalition between the Nicola and Ed will get the fruitcakes back to his stall.
This election – the outcome of which is impossible to predict – is so boring, precisely because only the fruitcakes what to talk about anything. Dave especially hasn’t really said anything yet, and even Ed doesn’t seem to be screwing up as he usually does. I would have thought he would have at least banged his head or slipped on a Banana skin or something by now.
Considering how dull the whole thing is, I would’ve expected the fruitcake lot to be doing far better in the polls, considering they achieved an amazing 23% in the local elections that time – unprecedented for a fourth party in British politics by the way. But recent polls suggest that they’re hovering between 12 and 14 per cent share. Ironically, in this election, most of the limelight has been taken by the Scottish Nationalists who, like the fruitcakes, believe that Scotland is better off as an independent country, but yet nobody calls them fruitcakes.
Obviously, there’s no way the fruitcakes can form a government on May 8th – not even the fruitiest of fruitcakes believe that. The most they can hope for is a few more seats, a few extra voices in the commons, putting further pressure on Dave and his gang. Remember, without senior fruitcake Nigey, there’s no way we would have been given a referendum.
However, all isn’t well in the looney party. Originally more libertarian leaning, even the fruitcakes have been veering left in the past year, especially with our national religion – the NHS, and I sometimes think that Nigey has been toning down his message a little of late – he’s a lot more entertaining and hard hitting when he’s on Fox (who wouldn’t be). But setting aside the ideological inconsistencies I’m sticking with the fruitcakes for now.
It’s not a protest vote as such. I do believe that the poisonous ideology of multiculture and mass immigration has been a disaster for the country, making life difficult for ordinary people, driving down wages and has transformed and divided communities beyond recognition. And it infuriates me that any criticism of this ideology and the lefty liberals ramp it up to 11 – completely intolerant of any opinion other than their own – they bully, intimidate, take a sneering patronising moral high ground and finally hurl personal insults (when they’ve run out of arguments). I also think that most of the party leaders have no respect for our culture or heritage whatsoever – and in fact probably resent it. And until they change their act, I’m sticking with the fruitcakes.